good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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