I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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