never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
