Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
