Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
