why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
