Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
3 2 1 whiskey
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
