I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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