Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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