Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
