i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Pants are for mortals
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