wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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