I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
