I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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