im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
