Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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