smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
