i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
