I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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