I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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