Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
