fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
