I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
