So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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