Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
