Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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