Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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