Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
