Cold hands, warm shart.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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