i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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