I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
