I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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