i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
