just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
the raccoons are back...
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