why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
