Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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