walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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