I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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