We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
