I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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