I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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