Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
