Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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