he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
