3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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