I wish I could teleport
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
