me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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