I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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