I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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