I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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