It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
