Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
