mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I met the friendliest cop last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
