The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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