First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
