I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
