Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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